“You gotta see the baby!” Is all you hear when friends or family drop a new sprog into the world. So along you go, dutifully cooing and ahhing over this newly-minted human, which is never half as cute or adorable as you repeatedly have to reassure the parents that it is.

Because sure, for the parents, this is now their world. We get that and it’s perfectly understandable. But for the rest of us… It’s just another human to add to the 7 billion of us that are already here. And come on, the constant care and attention that they need, for years and years, makes you wonder how we became to be the dominant species on the planet.

Newborns have escaped criticism for far too long now, all that soft skin and new baby smell has blinded us to their faults. But no more! Twitter user Charlily began the roast by suggesting: “Let’s slander newborns,” and people were only too happy to oblige. Scroll down below to check out the hilariously tongue-in-cheek thread for yourself, and let us know what you think in the comments! (Facebook cover image: Michael McIlwraith)

Image credits: charlee_buns

Image credits: Jessica Merz

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#1

Newborn babies need a lot of care and attention in their first year of life as opposed to, say, a baby horse which is on its feet and running around within hours. According to bounty.com, in the first couple of months a baby’s reflexes will be developing and you will notice that if you touch your baby’s cheek, they will turn that way and if you put your finger in their palm they will grab it.

“Although early bouts of wind are often mistaken for a baby’s first smile, the truth is from around 2 months old your baby should be able to respond to you by smiling back at you. Encourage this by smiling plenty at your baby and you will soon notice they smile back. A precious first milestone.” So no, your less-than-2-month-old is not smiling at you, he’s just [gassiness].

#2

#3

Don’t expect that bundle of joy to even be able to roll itself over until at least the 4 month mark. “They may attempt to roll and get stuck and therefore get upset so be prepared to help them out of uncomfortable situations!” Bounty helpfully explain. “You can help them to get ready to roll over by laying down with them and giving them loads of encouragement and putting a toy just out to reach to see if they try and roll to reach it.”

By this stage the baby can also bear weight on their legs, recognise your voice, turn towards loud sounds and bring their hands together.

#4

#5

The little p*o-and-vomit machine has been interrupting your sleep for 6 months now, but it should finally start sleeping around 6-8 hours by this stage. “Of course, this isn’t the case for all babies but you should notice longer periods of sleep at night by now.”

“Your baby will also be engaging with you much more by now, smiling and laughing and babbling away to you. Baby can imitate sounds like ‘mama and dada’, may have cut a first tooth and may be beginning to sit without support. Baby may also be lunging forward from sitting and possibly starting crawling.”

#6

#7

By 8 months, dearest baby will be happily rolling around and working out how to finally sit up. “Although in the early stages they will be quite wobbly and need propping up, by 8 months they should be more sturdy and able to sit up unaided. Plenty of floor time will help your little one practice and eventually master it. They may also show signs of crawling so give them plenty of tummy time to build up those important muscles.”

They might even be able to to pick things up by now and could soon be standing while holding on to something. Remember, 2 hours it took a horse to be able to walk! Laaazy babies.

#8

#9

Using lots of repetition you should be able to help baby copy what you do, so it could do things like clap its hands together and understand basic hand gestures. It could wave goodbye for example, and be able to associate the word ‘bye’ and wave at you by the age of 10 months

“Your baby should also be a dab hand at moving between sitting and lying down and some will be able to shuffle on their bottom to reach for things. Although, it’s important to note some babies miss the shuffling stage altogether.”

#10

#11

Coming up to a year old, the little snotty one might be able to stand alone for a couple of seconds! And even be on their way to drinking from a cup. A cup! They’ll be able to gesture to what they want and be able to understand and respond to simple instructions too.

“Cruising is the next stage your baby will reach and is the early stages of walking as they use furniture as a support to take those early steps. Pulling themselves up to standing and cruising around furniture will also be a popular past-time at this stage.”

So that’s it, prospective parents! It’s a journey, you won’t get a lot of sleep and there’ll be plenty of ups and downs. But as those who have already been there will tell you, the rewards are plentiful!